Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
if only i could text you this smell
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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