Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
