Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
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You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
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Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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