Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
