The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
