i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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