It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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