Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
