It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just googled if crying burns calories
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
