Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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