it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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