Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
