I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
