i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
