Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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