DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
too bad you live with your parents still
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
