be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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