She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
