I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
