I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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