Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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