I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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