My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
