I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
