you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
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theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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