no, he came in my armpit
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
