I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
