omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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