If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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