who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
