Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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