You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
