I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
you made out with another girl for some wings
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
