How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
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I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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