sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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