I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
