I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
