Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
