She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
