someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
