I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
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I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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