walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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