wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
