I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
