the condom got lost in my hair
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
50% drunk capacity currently
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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