I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
