she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
