you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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