I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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