The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
