You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We need to rekindle our bromance
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
