I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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