I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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