I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
