i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
