i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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