I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think your dad took our porno
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
