Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
