life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
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